## What do churches need to know about sexual abuse survivors? - Recognize that an abuse survivor often struggles greatly in their marriage. There may be many unspoken, unclassified reasons marriages fall apart that are connected to abuse, and the couple may never know that abuse is destroying their marriage because they never talk about it. (Many spouses do not even know their spouse was abused as a child.) - The trauma experienced by sexual abuse survivors is second only to that experienced by combat veterans. - Learn to lament. This is a scourge within our culture and our church. It is not new and it will not go away. It is rooted in the sinful heart of humankind. It is one of the most obvious outpourings of evil in our world. - Time does not heal all wounds. Left untreated, the trauma from sexual abuse is often magnified and compounded by time. - Because abuse so often happens in the developmental years of childhood, children have no way to understand what happened to them. At the same time, the abuse rewires their brain so that even as adults, survivors often have a childhood understanding of what happened to them. When they look back on that scene as an adult, they often have great anger and contempt for that child that is them. "Why did you let that happened to you? Why didn’t you stop it? It was my fault." - Many survivors do not know what has happened to them until it is named--"you were abused". They remember an experience and certainly thought it was either their fault or something else, but not sexual abuse. - Many survivors blame themselves (leads to self-loathing and self-contempt). - Understand the difference between people “having a hard time” with life and “giving you a hard time.” This is especially true with children. When children become unruly ask, "why are you having a hard time?" - Understand that self-contempt and self-loathing are often masked as humility and lauded as a godly character trait within an individual, which causes them to self-loath even more. ("I'm such a fraud!") - Abuse is the unexpected, unnamed pain in people’s life. People will not heal until we can name it. We cannot grieve until we can name it. This is often the most difficult aspect of this terrible life experience: even the abuse survivor cannot name what happened to them. In fact, they often resist calling what happened to them abuse. They have heard the excuses and made them part of their thinking: that’s how grandpa shows his love, your babysitter is just giving you a bath, the pastor is just a loving, affectionate guy. Even years later, this is how abusers justify in their own mind what happened to them. Being able to see it and name it for what it is—abuse—is a huge step towards healing. # What can church’s do to support sexual abuse survivors? - Treat it like the chronic health issue that it is. It begins with the initial abuse but it has life-long consequences. Statistically, 25% of the women and 20% of the men in your church have experienced sexual abuse. - Churches need to help with spiritual healing, but also to facilitate physical and emotional healing with competent professional counselors. A church should have a list of recommended professional, licensed counselors who are trained in working with trauma and sexual abuse survivors. This does not have to be Christian counselors only. Like any medical professional, a counselor who is worth their salt will honor and support a client's faith background, not undermine it. Again, think about other medical doctors--if you were diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, you would want the best oncologist available, and not limit your choices only to Christian doctors. This does not mean to look past good, qualified Christian counselors, it simply means do not limit your options to only include Christian counselors. - If abused took place on church property, the church should readily and willingly agree to pay for any counseling associated with the abuse. - Sermons are a starting point and can begin the discussion, but you cannot help people deal with trauma through preaching. It takes long-term care and counseling by people who are skilled and professionally trained to help trauma survivors. - Specifically address the issues as a continual part of your church ministry. This cannot be a simple sermon series and then move on. It needs to be a continual, ongoing part of ministering to people. - Churches need to learn to be vulnerable (open to messy, difficult discussions) in order for people to be vulnerable. ## What does the church do that hurts survivors? - Failure to listen and to believe someone when they first disclose. - Attempt to shift the blame: what were you wearing? Were you flirting with him? It takes two to tangle. Comments like this have been said to victims who tried to disclose suspected abuse, especially with teenage girls. A teenage girl with an abuser who is considerably older than her and in a position of authority (pastor or youth pastor) is often viewed as complicit in the "affair." This happened as recently as last year (2018). When the church notified their congregation of "the affair," the youth pastor was let go, but not reported to the authorities even though the girl involved was 15-years old. - Failure to report. This is a systemic problem within the church. No other criminal activity is handled this way. If someone breaks into a church and steals property, the church immediately calls the police. If someone reports suspected abuse within the church, the church leadership handles the investigation on their own and only involves the authorities as a last resort. - Lack of understanding of how trauma impacts a person for the rest of their life. Because they do not understand it, they ignore it. - Minimizing the effects of abuse and trying to spiritualize it. "The gospel heals all wounds. You need to learn to forgive." Remember, abuse rewires the brain. Moreover, abuse is most often at the hands of a trusted, respected authority figure. This plays havoc with how abusers view God and the gospel. - Understand that a lot of negative (anger, separation, isolation, etc.) may come out, but it is part of a process of moving forward to something more positive if it is working with a competent counselor. - While abuse may be initiated by an individual, it takes a community to support the abuser, often through hiding the abuse or downplaying the abuse. NOTE: The abuser is often very skilled at grooming this supportive community. ## What are the warnings signs for a male who has been abused? - At one level there is a lot of similarity with females, but boys tend to be more demonstrative (angry outbursts, etc.). This is often viewed simply as rebellion within boys, and parents respond to it as rebellion. - If a boy or girl does not want to go to a babysitter, church, etc. - Bed-wetting. - Self-loathing (cutting, eating disorders, etc.) - Listen to them and don’t exonerate the suspicion (you have to go to church, you have to sit on grandpa’s lap, etc.). ## What can we do to help male survivors? - Understand that there are few resources for male survivors in comparison to what is available for female survivors. - The shame women feel about their abuse is often greatly enhanced in males because the abuse is often same-sex abuse, which compounds the shame. - There are very few support groups for male survivors. - Be sure to include men when you discuss abuse. Many churches focus solely on female survivors as if this is a female problem. Again, statistically 1 in 5 men in your church have been abused. ## How does abuse effect the children of survivors? - Self-contempt and self-loathing are common to survivors and this has a great impact on how they view the world. They often do not feel worthy of their children. - Often fight their desire to obsessively and compulsively protect their children. They are often overly vigilant, especially in environments where the parent was abused (church, family, etc.). - Kids often grow up knowing Mom or Dad has a lot of personal struggles, but they do not know what is causing this. Many times, it frightens and scares children and they wonder if this is how they will become as adults. (Kay Warren shared her testimony as a survivor. She did not find out her Mom was also abused as a child until Kay was in her 50s and her Mom was 85 years old with onset Alzheimer's. Something about the disease softened her Mom's boundaries and she told Kay for the first time she had been abused as a child. It stunned Kay, but also answered so many questions she had had all of her life.) ## How does abuse effect the spouse of survivors? - Sometimes a spouse may be aware his/her spouse was abused, but many times not. It remains hidden and unspoken. - The survivor often disconnects from family relationships and he/she can never fully engage with his/her family. - Sexual relationships are often very difficult, but, again, the cause is never revealed, which leads to broken relationships and dysfunctional marriages. - Because the spouse has no concept of what the survivor is dealing with there is no understanding of why their relationship is so difficult. - The spouse’s self-loathing and self-contempt is often transferred to the spouse causing the spouse to feel like the survivor loathes his/her spouse. - It is common for the survivor to feel like the broken one in the family and for the spouse to be only concerned about fixing his/her spouse. A key change is for the spouse to own his or her own problems and to be as open to fixing their own problems as they are to fixing their survivor-spouse. This allows the husband and wife to become a team and allows them to deal with their problems together rather than just focus on fixing the survivor’s problems. - Recommended Book: "Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation" (Allender) - Many times the survivor wants a healthy marriage and they want to be a good mom or dad, but they cannot because they cannot move beyond their traumatic past. This is why they need the help and support of a professional counselor. See Also: - [[Practical Steps for Abuse Prevention in the Church]]