# Practical Steps for Abuse Prevention  ## Part 1: Improving Awareness and Understanding the Grooming Process  Notes from a presentation by [Kimberlee Norris](https://ministrysafe.com/who-we-are/).  ### Understanding the Problem:  - **Definition of Child Sexual Abuse:** Any tricked, forced, manipulated or coerced sexual activity for the pleasure of the abuser. Can be physical, visual, or verbal. (NOTE: by this legal definition, does not have to involve touch.)  - **Common Misconception of Sexual Abuse (but fading)**: it’s not that big of a problem. This has changed a lot in last 5-6 years. Still, most assume it will not and has not happened in their church or home.  - **Abuse pays no attention to any typical demographic boundaries**: race, ethnicity, socio-economic status, class, education, etc. All the stats are the same.  > [!NOTE] > Sixty-six percent of kids abused will never tell anyone of their abuse.   - As of 2017 there were 750,000 registered sex offenders in USA. Of those abusers convicted, the average offender who prefers males has victimized 150 boys, and those who offend females average 52 victims. Average male abuser begins abusing at 13/14 years of age.  - While reporting is increasing, the problem is also growing as more and more kids are exposed to deviant, hardcore pornography at a younger and younger age. (Average age now is 8-years old.) One of the fastest growing categories within pornography depicts sibling abuse. In these videos, the girl portraying the sister is often willing and eager. Imagine how viewing videos like this would impact an 8-10-year-old boy.  ### Understanding Offenders:  - Less than 10% of abusers will ever encounter the criminal justice system. Hence, they have no record to be discovered in a background check. (The Department of Justice estimates this as low as 3% of offenders.)  - Abusers are skilled at identifying vulnerable children: without a strong family unit, poor self-esteem, broken/divorced parents, quiet, etc.  - While there are some female offenders, 90 percent of offenders are male.  ### Three Characteristics of Abusers:  - Deviant sexual desire: prefer children as sexual partners.  - Faulty thinking: The ability to justify and rationalize their deviant sexual desire for children as normal. Once this happens, all restraint is gone.  - Access to children.  ### Know the Different Kinds of Offenders:  - **Stranger/Abductor:** unknown to the child and his/her family. May include actually kidnapping child to abuse. Very rare. This is the offender churches and parents most protect against. (Stranger Danger. Child Check-in. Nametags, etc.)  - **Peer-to-Peer**: an abuser who is of similar age to the victim. (Child on child or teen on child.)  - **Preferential**: an adult who targets a specific gender and age range (e.g. girls 8-12 years old or boys 8-12 years old). *By far the most common kind of offender.*  > [!NOTE] Preferential Offenders > More than 90% of offenders are preferential offenders. Less than 5% of offenders are strangers, but churches build their protective fence to guard against strangers.   #### Key Point: Most offenders within the church will be wearing a name tag and have cleared all of your child protection systems.  - **Preferential offenders are wonderful people on the outside:** warm, caring, helpful. Everything about them causes the adults to trust them and to see them as safe people. They are often welcomed into families and churches. The most common reaction from adults when they hear a preferential offender is accused of abuse is shock. Adults will say, “I had no idea.” In fact, adults will often push back against an accusation of abuse because the person has so earned their trust and respect.   - This is why it is so important to report disclosed or suspected abuse to law enforcement or Child Protective Services. They are trained to sort this out and determine what is true or not. Too many adults trust their own emotions, and this leads them to defend the abuser. (“So and so could never do that...I know this man! He’s kind, he’s gentle, he’s caring. He loves these kids! I don’t believe it.”)   ### Sexual Abuse and Churches:  - **The two largest targets for predators in America today are the church and youth sports.** These are the biggest targets by far. Why? Because most of the other organizations that serve large numbers of children (schools, camps, etc.) are licensed and require regular inspection and intentional policies.  - Churches especially are an easy target because Christians are taught to believe the best in people and to take a testimony of faith as evidence that these are good people. Christians are taught to respect authority and to follow their leaders. Offenders are skilled at employing all of these assumptions against churches.   - Every church...every church... believes "this will never happen here." That is the most common response from churches. They thought they had built strong protections and are shocked that abuse happened within their church.   - The most common response to the question, “what does your church do to protect children?” is a simple, “we do background checks.” That is only a starting point and it is not nearly enough. One of the problems is that churches rely too heavily on criminal background check.  > [!NOTE] Wolves in Sheep's Clothing > Churches protect against known wolves. Yet, 90% of abusers will enter a church as a wolf in sheep’s clothing.   ### Understanding the Grooming Process:  It is important to understand the grooming process. *This is the most essential step*. Offenders groom the children AND the gatekeepers (parents, children’s ministry leaders, youth leaders, pastors, church boards, etc.). Unfortunately, the gatekeepers can often be the most supportive person in assisting a predator and in justifying his behavior to those who may question. Offenders need time alone with potential victims and this requires the unsuspecting cooperation of the gatekeeper.  The ability to spot the signs of the grooming process is one of the best ways to identify a potential offender. This process is documented and predictable. Investigators see it over and over.  > [!NOTE] Follow Your Gut > This doesn’t mean you call the police based on your gut, but it means you will watch this person and see if there are tell-tell signs of a grooming process. Be vigilant. This takes training and understanding. The more adults trained to spot the grooming process and being vigilant for the signs the better.   ### Grooming Steps:  #### Gain access to children in the gender and age of their preference  - Bring children to themselves (often their home using their own children to invite friends for sleepovers, etc. or hiring kids to do odd jobs or babysit their children)  - Go to places where children are gathered for them (churches, youth sports, etc.)  - Skilled at knowing what a child wants/need  - Skilled at age-specific communication (relates well with kids). This often appears as peer-to-peer communication rather than adult-to-child. #### When selecting a child, predators look for ...  - A child who is disconnected, on the fringe, not part of the group, or in need.  - Child who is looking for someone to follow or trust (this is most kids), especially an adult who treats them like an adult, not a kid.  - Child from a broken family or single-parent home, especially a single-mom who wants a good father-figure for their kids. Predators are often very helpful and endure themselves to single moms to gain their trust and gain access to her children.  - Children already involved in alcohol or drugs (lowers inhibitions, wraps secrecy into the equation, gateway to “adult” activities for kids, something inappropriate they can share together).  - Child already interested in pornography or sex. This is any child after a certain age. Every child eventually becomes interested in sexuality and sexual topics. Many kids do not have good, open conversation with parents and molesters take this and twist it for their use. *The average age of a child’s exposure to pornography today is 8-years of age.* This is hardcore, deviant pornography. Often an abuser will send edgy content (inappropriate but not illegal) to a child to see if they are interested or if they will tell someone. This can often be a first shot across the bow. Breaks the boundary but not the law.  #### Pushing Boundaries: Introducing Nudity and Sexual Touch  - Molesters are testing barriers and breaking down those barriers. Goal is to push the boundary. Abusers tend to be touchy. Look for A LOT of text messages that grow increasingly more personal and edgy.  - Sexual discussion and joking. This is a hook in the water. Starts out with a dirty joke and gets more and more edgy. What will you accept? Will you tell someone? Pushes the boundary.   - Playful touch that appears normal to the unsuspecting (tickling, wrestling, massaging neck or shoulders, etc.). Often this would not be Ok with other adults but is accepted with children. Many times, accidental nudity is involved. Often happens at sleep overs, camps, etc.  - Introducing movies and images that depict nudity/sex. If a female is the target, it will be very laced with romance. If a boy, will often start with increasingly violent video games that depict nudity.  #### Keep the Victim Silent  - More and more secrecy is introduced as the relationship increases ("this is between us...")  - Shame and embarrassment ("If you tell anyone, I'll tell everyone including your parents.")   - **Number One reason kids tell no one:** the child believes no one will believe them and molesters use this to reinforce the secrecy ("You think your Mom is going to believe you! She thinks I'm the greatest.")  - Threats (direct or subtle)  - No one will believe you  - This would hurt your mother/parents  - I will hurt you or someone you love  #### Common Grooming Behaviors:  - Gift giving (especially with younger children). This is number one. If a child has gifts that they cannot afford and should not have, ask questions. This is key. Watch for phones or tablets that you did not purchase. This gives the predator an open channel of communication with your child that a parent may or may not know about.  - Kid-magnet activities - molesters will gather around them things kids like to do.  - Peer-like communication and alliance building against authority. “I think it’s unfair your Mom won’t let you...” Remember, kids (especially teenagers) don't want to be treated like children and believe they should be treated like adults. They appreciate an adult who treats them like a peer and not a kid.  - Repeated time alone with the same child. Predators separate the child out of the group (you are special to me) and seek opportunities to be with the child where there is no supervision. This is especially complicated in youth ministry where many of the scheduled interactions between students and adults can be off campus and outside normal hours. Very difficult to monitor and control.  - Touchy with children ... pushing boundaries. Things to watch for (clearly define these in your policies):  - Wrestling  - Tickling  - Lap sitting  - Pantsing (pulling down their pants as a joke)  - Piggyback rides  - Play spanking  - Having a child straddle you   - Bear hugs  - Full on body hugs (from behind)  - Lingering hugs  - Whispering in their ear  > [!NOTE] > Children with physical touch as a dominant love language are especially prone to abuse. We all know kids like this who are quick to run up and hug you. Molesters watch for this.  - Breaking the rules. (Think testing the rules...how will leader respond?)  - Justifying breaking the rules. “Yes, I broke this rule, but here’s why it’s ok.” Often told to the gatekeeper (ministry leader or parent). ("Hey, I wanted you to know that I was playing with so and so and it turned into a tickling fest. Sorry. I know this is against the rules, so I wanted to let you know this happened.") This builds trust. They broke the rule but were transparent and told you about it.   #### Reporting Requirements:  - To Whom to Report (not just one, but both):  - to Supervisors  - to Authorities  - Texas Reporting Requirements:  - Every Adult is a mandatory reporter  - Report immediately when having cause to believe  - Report within 48 hours  - No clergy privilege (becoming much more common)  - Civil/Criminal immunities for “good faith” reports. Any report you make that “you don’t know it be false.” No one can sue you for making the report. The exception is if someone can prove that you knew a report was false when you made it.  - Some professionals must report personally (teachers) — “a professional may not delegate to or rely on another person to make a report.” In other words, a teacher is required by law to personally report to authorities and not to their supervisor.  - What if I am wrong? In Texas, the safety of a child outweighs the reputation or convenience of an adult.   > [!NOTE] Important > Understand the laws of your state and include these reporting requirements in your policy. This should be part of your interview process with applicants and volunteers. "We report!"  #### Best Practices:  - When in doubt, report  - Dual report = best practice (supervisor + witness). Example, a volunteer reports to ministry leader of alleged abuse. Both report this to law enforcement. Check state law to make sure it does not prohibit dual reporting.  - Allegations are a reportable event.   - Never investigate as a condition of reporting.   - The legacy of the Penn State scandal is that every state can now bring criminal charges against officials who fail to report. ## Part 2: Effective Screening and Prevention Policies and Practices  Goal: Keeping the Wolf out of the Sheep Pen. Recognize the sexual predator BEFORE the predator has access to your kids.  Notes from a presentation by Kimberlee Norris.  Guiding Principle: Working with children is a privilege, not a right. You have to be willing to say no to people. Odds are (statistically) you will have people apply that in the end fail to pass your screening process.  Church leaders spend the bulk of their time planning and preparing for ministry, but little time on protection policies. Understand that allowing one predator into your fold will make everything else you do in vain.   No one is exempt from screening and training process no matter what their position (senior pastor, elders, etc.) or how long they have been around, etc. Don’t grandfather people in. Make sure everyone understands "the Why" you are doing this and the importance of screening.  An important part of the screening process is to ask why someone wants to serve in your children and youth ministries. We too often look for the willing without questioning motive.   Clearly outline what are appropriate barriers of physical touch. Draw clear, hard lines: this is appropriate, this is not appropriate. (Example, what is an appropriate hug and what is an inappropriate hug.) Watch for the person pushing the boundaries. If someone is pushing the boundaries more than once, move them out of your ministry. They may be just an idiot and not a predator, but you can’t risk that you can tell the difference.   The goal: you want a predator to begin your process and conclude this isn’t a good fit. This church is asking too many questions. This seems risky. I’ll go to the church down the street.   Foster an environment where it is safe to talk to leadership and be heard.   ### Five Part Safety System:  1. Sexual Abuse Awareness Training (explains the why)  2. Skillful Screening Process  3. Appropriate Criminal Background Checks 4. Tailored Policies and Procedures (policies are what you do, not what you say you do). Needs to be a living document and adjust as your ministry changes. Regularly review and revise. Key: as church grows look for programs that fall under the radar (e.g. letting others use your building - homeschoolers, trailIife, sports programs, etc.)  5. Monitoring and Oversight  #### Skillful Screening Basic Principles:  - You can’t screen what you don’t understand. Know and understand the types of predators and the known methods predators use to groom potential victims and gatekeepers. Know what actions and behaviors in their past are red flags and how to ask questions that elicit answers that expose these red flags. You will not be accidentally effective.  - The screening process focuses on the grooming process. This is essential.  - Molesters have no visual profile. All sizes, ages, shapes, etc.  - Train staff members to recognize offender characteristics  - Without training, forms and policies are just paper. (Think football. You can’t have a good football team by just giving the players a rule book.)  **An effective screening process includes:**  - Require a written application for employees and volunteers  - Require an in-person interview that asks specific questions designed to raise critical issues and to give the person the opportunity to opt out ("this is too risky for me")  - Require and check references (third party source info)  - Require criminal background check (use a signed release as part of the application form)  - Past employment / volunteer information   > [!NOTE] NOTE > There are people in your program who are in high profile and high-risk positions where you cannot afford to be wrong. Spend more time and resources investigating these people.  #### Risk Indicators:  - The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  - Understand male and female offender characteristics  - Understand known risk indicators / patterns.  - Use questions meant to illicit a high-risk response  - Create opt out opportunities  - Don’t chase volunteers  - Communicate that your ministry screens  - All suspected abuse is reported to law enforcement  - Organization has policies and practices to safeguard children  #### Common Male Offender Characteristics:  - Grooms the gatekeepers  - Unrealistic beliefs regarding children (pure and innocent). Any parent would disagree with this, right?  - Frequent activities with children, usually of a specific age and gender  - Sets up one-to-one interaction with children  - Looks for “trusted time alone”  - Unstable work history / frequent (often sudden) relocations (when things get risky)  - Abrupt or unexplained relocations (moving from community to community / state to state)  - Overqualified, but takes job anyway because the payoff is not monetary or prestige, but access to children. Watch for motives.  - Allows special privileges or gives gifts to make a child feel “special” or chosen  - Pattern of dating single moms. Offender will look for mom with kids growing into the preferred gender/age. Approach: wants to be a role model for your kids. Leaves Mom when kids grow out of their preferred age. Serial dating of Moms with kids at their preferred age.  - Kid magnet with hobbies or toys, etc. These are age specific. For younger children this is most likely toys, gifts, etc. For older boys (12-14), this is most likely video games which include sexualized and violent and builds secrecy.  - Often photographs or videotapes children  - Physically or sexually abused as a child  - Fails to honor appropriate boundaries  - Pushes back physical boundaries (tickling, wrestling, etc.)  - Desensitizes children to touch  - Gains adult approval of border behaviors (often seen in older males) “that’s just Uncle Ed ...”  - Offensive response when confronted with boundary violations or allegations. Example: preferential offender breaks a clearly defined touch boundary and you confront him in a conversation letting him know he violated your policy. You are concerned, but not enough to call it a true offense. As a church leader, you are uncomfortable with this conversation because this may be the first time you've done this, but the offender has either had this conversation (many times) or is well prepared to have this conversation. The offender knows how to play this. “What are you accusing me of? I am offended by this conversation.” The goal is to get you to back up. When you naturally back up (we don’t like confrontation), you will be much more unlikely to confront again because the first has proven to be very uncomfortable. Resist the temptation to back up. If this happens, then simply remove them from ministry and access to children. *Remember, working with children is a privilege and not a right.*  - Preferential offenders leave a place because someone has complained and its getting risky or kids are aging out of his preferred age. This tends to show as an unstable work history or places where the applicant has left suddenly. Watch for applicants who are available at non-traditional times of the year (example a teacher available during the school year or a coach available during a season). Make sure you understand why they are available and check their reference with the previous ministry, school, organization.  - Watch for gaps in their record or inconsistencies in their application.  - Understand Paraphilia - deviant sexual behaviors (exhibitionist/veyeurism, etc.) are closely aligned with attraction to children. Most offenders have other paraphilia behaviors. If you encounter one of these in a background check that is a red flag.  - May describe children as possessions - “my girl, my boy, etc.”  - Needs power/control over people/environment  - Rarely a team player. They prefer to work alone with kids rather than as part of a team.  - When observing volunteers who are parents, watch for parents who want to stay with the same age/gender rather than move up with their child or work with kids similar to their child. ("I only work with third grade boys...I like that age.") Most parents tend to serve with their kids as they grow through elementary into middle school, etc. they move up with them.  - Watch for volunteers who are traveling a distance to work in your church for no particular reason.   #### Two Types of Female Offenders (only 10 percent):  > [!NOTE] NOTE > Women are rarely reported or charged when they offend.  - **Type 1: Characteristics:** Not Type A, not educated, not professionally advanced, raised in paternalistic environment (no one argues with Dad), raised in an environment where sex is considered shameful. Tends to coerce rather than seduced. Marries young. Replicates her family of origin. Husband is controlling. Most often found in childcare roles with young children.  - **Type 2: Characteristics:** Charismatic, people person, well-educated, well-respected, teacher or coach, well-liked. Targets Jr. High boys or girls. Seduces her victims rather than coerces. She mirrors many of the characteristics of the male preferential offender.  ### The Interview Process:  - Should interview volunteers and employees  - Should work with a prepared script  - Should ask child protective questions  - Read their file first  > [!NOTE] Best Practice > Have two people do the interview - ideally, one male and female. Why? Intuitively, men and women pick up different non-verbal cues.  - Write down applicant’s responses  - The interview should communicate we know what we are doing, we know who we are looking for, we work hard to protect our kids, we report. This is a risky environment for a predator.  ### Checking References:  - For high level positions (where you can’t afford to be wrong - children’s minister, youth minister, etc.), ask for information and references for every organization where they have worked with children in the past. Look for gaps.  - Understand Information about the references (example, relationship between applicant and reference)  - Ask references questions that elicit a high-risk response:  - Would you leave your children with this person? Listen for non-answers, either no answer or refusal to answer.  - Do you have any reason to question whether children are safe with this person?  - Is there anything about this person that makes you uncomfortable when he is around children.  - Ask for references from the following:  - Professional reference (supervisor, former employer, co-worker)  - Personal reference (friend, pastor, teacher, coach)  - Reference from a close family member (the two references that know about an applicant’s first offense will the family of origin and the spouse). The family knows where the bodies are buried.  - Reference from a person of the opposite sex (why? Because a male offender will likely be unable to give you a reference of a close female reference who has not been groomed as a gatekeeper and they will be uncertain what she will say.) See Also: - [[Sample Children's Ministry Policy]] - [[Learning From Sexual Abuse Survivors]]